I never understood how both deep grief and powerful joy could be experienced simultaneously until a little over 7 years ago.
We’d lost his heartbeat the day before while still tucked away in his mommy’s womb and in the hours following, our daughter labored hard to birth him. With her husband close by her side, knowing Isaac was already in heaven, she longed to see this little man whom she’d been carrying for over 9 mos.
He was perfect. He had his daddy’s deep blue eyes and a skiff of soft, downy hair. He had his mommy’s ears and a look of peace on his little face…maybe because all he’d known is love. He’d never endured the pains of life on this earth and he never would. Now he was experiencing the joy and bliss of heaven.
We were happy for him, but oh how our hearts ached. We wanted to get to know him…watch him grow, see the delight on his face when experiencing all of his firsts…first puppy, first ice cream, first time riding a bicycle.
For now, we would have to be content with holding him, kissing him, staring at him, talking to him, and taking countless pictures to help us remember.
I wouldn’t have chosen this to be part of our journey…never, in a million years. It was hard. The pain was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. But I can also tell you that the grace and peace, the blessings, and the perspective that came from having known this kind of loss were like no other. God doesn’t waste anything and there were unexpected and indescribable moments of joy along the way.
Isaac was and is a blessing. His life counts. Every life counts.
I never longed for heaven as I do now. I’m not afraid of death. I’m more keenly aware that this is NOT our home. I’m more deeply grateful for a loving God who sent His son to pay for my sins to make me right with Him and I have confidence that I will be spending my eternity with Him.
And when I arrive, there will be a little boy waiting for me…and calling me Nana.