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Writing in the Raw

Home is a wonderful place.  It’s familiar, it holds memories and anchors us during times of turmoil.  I often find comfort in looking around at little things that I bought or received from someone special or at a yard sale.  But there are times when even those normal comforts are not a comfort.  That is how it is for me today.

The last two weeks have been wild, amazing, difficult and miraculous.  And now I find myself finally back in my “comfort zone” feeling raw and numb.  I keep hoping for normal, real feelings to surface, but the only ones that do are tears and heaviness.  I know in my  heart that God is faithful and has a plan of redemption in this grief, but being here, at the beginning of it all, feels very daunting.  I somehow have to begin to navigate our new “normal”.  But today I am floundering.

I want others to know that there is hope in grief and that God does sustain those who are mourning.  His presence was SO evident through all of this, but there is also a long, slow journey, the process of grieving, and it doesn’t fit into neat packages.  I like neat packages.  I like order.  This feels really messy.  Because it is.  No one can tell you what this is going to look like for you, only encourage you to trust in our unfailing God and not lose hope.

I talked to my daughter for long time today.  She was feeling the same way.  There was comfort for both of us in that.  We talked about a lot of things, but the bottom line was that we have to ask ourselves the hard questions again.  You know those ones you think you have already have answered?  What do I believe about God?  Who He is and is He good?  And what does that look like in THIS particular grief?  And when those answers are once again evident, we have an even more solid foundation on which to depend upon.  Because God never changes.  His truths stay solid in every situation.  We know that in our heads, but we come to KNOW it in our hearts through pain, suffering and trials.

One dear friend said, “I really believe this is a beautiful gift, wrapped up in a really ugly package.”  I think she is right.  And it’s going to take time to unwrap this package.

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