I have spent the last several days trying to walk out what I talked about in my last blog. Attempting to replace faithless thoughts with true and thankful ones and then taking the time to MEDITATE on them. For someone like me, who loves productivity and feeling “on top of my game”, SLOWING my heart down like this so often feels like gears grinding….hard. I’ve often felt somewhere in the depths of my being, that this area of my life would need some serious sanctification at some point. Not that productivity isn’t a good thing, but, like I talked about in my last blog, it can quickly become an idol of the heart…a place where I am storing up treasures on earth, instead of for eternity. Productivity can be a blessing from God. He talks a lot in Proverbs about being diligent. Maybe it’s being preoccupied with productivity? When I am preoccupied, I am not present. I am not fully engaged in THIS moment. And, truth be told, this moment is the only moment that I have…for sure. I think God has been working a little bit at a time to bring me to this point. A place where I hear His still, small voice beckoning me to let Him purify my heart in this area. Along with that voice, is my present circumstance, also ordained by God: grieving our loss of Isaac and all that goes with it. With a heart that is raw and feeling SO much while walking this journey of grief, I seem to have a hyper-sensitivity to what is stressful, untrue, pointless, and not eternal. But also to what is everlasting, worthwhile and of great value. The result is heaviness when my heart is not where it should be and unmistakable peace when it’s where it should be. That being said, I wanted to share with you some of the many things I have been pondering. I have intentionally chosen to do this because, often, people will share how God’s presence was with them during times like these, but never share the specifics. I think it’s so important to have the picture more clearly described so that when you go through trials, your heart will be tuned into what God might be doing. Your story will be different than mine, but God will show Himself equally faithful. Without denying the pain we have felt and continue to feel, I have also been thanking God for so much: We lost our grandson. BUT God made His presence known in so many ways. Right after it was confirmed that Isaac had been placed in the arms of Jesus, someone’s phone started playing a worship song. I couldn’t get it to turn off, so I grabbed it and took it to the waiting room. God was comforting us…these are the words:
All who are thirsty All who are weak Come to the fountain Dip your heart in the stream of life Let the pain and the sorrow Be washed away In the waves of his mercy As deep cries out to deep (we sing)
Come Lord Jesus come
What could I do, but say, “Yes. Come Lord Jesus, come.” And welcome Him fully onto the floor of that hospital.
The first time I saw Britt after we knew Isaac was gone, she didn’t look at me…she just kept staring at Jacob. It was as it should be. She was hurting deeply and Jacob was her stability. God bringing her comfort in humanity…drawing her and Jacob together. I left the room. I was thinking about God’s grace and how I could feel it, but was desperately wondering if our daughter could. When I went in to her a second time, she looked at me and she smiled and said, “It’s ok, Mom.” I asked her if she could feel His grace. And she said, yes. Yes, she could. At that point, all I could think of was how deeply grateful I was. III John 1:4 says, “I have no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in the truth”. I can honestly say that, in that moment for me as mom, grandma, and mother-in-law, that truth overshadowed everything else. That wasn’t something I would have ever guessed would be part of that picture.
I want to keep my posts at a readable length, so I have decided to break this particular one into parts. I have no idea how many there will be, but I pray that each one will give you something eternal to meditate on and continue to see clearly that God is undeniably good.
I know you have seen many of these pictures, but this one of Isaac’s precious face, is one of my favorites. I think he is the cutest baby boy on the planet. Just saying.