Before Isaac was born, I had SO much that I wanted to write about. Now I can’t even remember what those things were. I haven’t had any specific subject matter laid heavily on my heart to share with you over the last couple of weeks. It’s not that I’m crying all the time, or grieving constantly. It sneaks up on me. Or at least the emotional aspect of it does. Often it’s when I’m talking to Brittney, getting a hug from a friend, or during worship at church. Something is different and I am not sure what. I go about my daily tasks, but there is something that I carry with me. Something that, I think (hope and trust) God is using to change me. I just have no idea what that really is, or what it looks like. It’s not that I really KNEW Isaac, I just know he was and is my grandson. I held him, kissed him, snuggled him and then said goodbye. That’s all the more I will know about him while I am living on this earth. After we got back home, I tried to frontload my path of grieving with some boundaries to work within. You see, I have never lost anyone like that before. I also needed to have something to share with our children and give our daughter when she would call to talk. I pulled out a book by Beth Moore on praying the Word of God. I went to the chapter that spoke about losing a loved one. What I remember most about what I read is that the Devil does not fight fair. He is not going to wait until we are done grieving before he tries to destroy us somehow. And, even though warring with the Enemy is the last thing I want to be thinking about right now, it is wise to pray a hedge of protection around our grieving. Pray that the Enemy of our souls will not be able to get a foothold and that we will grieve in a healthy way. Truth be told, I’m not really sure what that looks like either. The only thing I can think of is not to let myself dwell on anything that is not true about God and this experience. To engage in, and be truly thankful for, the blessings He has generously poured out on us: the sunset, a hot cup of coffee, good fellowship, clean floors, the seasons. This morning I was reading in Matthew 6 where Jesus says, “Don’t collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don’t break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I realized that much of the time, I struggle with trying to find comfort in things that are not eternal. That can be a lot of things. Not necessarily bad things, in and of themselves. But when they consume more of my affections than my affection for Jesus, they become areas of sin. God loves us too much to let us be content in such a place. He longs for us to enjoy the peace that the gospel affords and for us to be focused on who He is. When I am doing this, my hands and heart are open to whatever He has for me that day. When I am not, I find my fists clenched, resisting Him because I am not fully trusting Him or believing what is true about Him…that He is good, tender-hearted, compassionate and truly looking out for our best interests…eternal interests. Sometimes that means He lets us experience pain and suffering, but He never lets us do it alone. And because Jesus came and offered Himself as a substitution for our sins, we have full access into the very presence of God. It is our benefit at His expense. Oh, how I wish I were better at resting in that. I’ve always been better at doing than “being”. Maybe this is one of the changes God wants to bring about through Isaac. And, yes, even as I say his name and remember that Isaac means “laughter”…I can see myself becoming more free. And who doesn’t laugh when they are free??!!
“Therefore, if the Son sets you free, you really will be free.” John 8:36